


Guilty Pleasures

by animepianistnerd, ghostmaya



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: But it's set now, Canon Compliant, Co-Written, Crack, Gen, Humor, I just wanted smartphones for the memes, I think this is where my writing has peaked, It's only downhill from here, Just absolute nonsense, Out of Character, implied ships, tomfoolery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:53:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28055682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animepianistnerd/pseuds/animepianistnerd, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostmaya/pseuds/ghostmaya
Summary: Ushijima Wakatoshi climbed in through the window, and gave Tsukishima a solemn look. “I too have a dark secret.” He pat Tsukishima’s shoulders, and sat down next to him. “I like… basketball.”“No—Ushi-chan—you don’t have to do this,” said Tendou, cartwheeling into the room.Or: Tsukishima's dark secret is exposed, and then the funniest fic you will ever read transpires.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Guilty Pleasures

**Author's Note:**

> When I (ghostmaya) watched Haikyuu for the first time in November of 2019, I immediately fell in love. I thought "I need to write something for this show", and started brainstorming ideas in my friend-group's server. Flame (animepianistnerd), a Haikyuu stan of old, was there as I watched it, and somehow, as we talked, this absolute batshit wild hullabaloo of an idea sprung from our noggins, and we began writing. 
> 
> This has been sitting in my drafts for a year now, and I finally decided to cap it off, and post it for the entertainment of the masses. Please, do not take a single word of this work of art seriously.
> 
> Enjoy.

It’s a quiet night in the classrooms at Fukurodani. The only sound to be heard was the rustle of turning pages underneath a sleeping bag. Tsukishima Kei, his reading light shining from where it was clipped on his glasses, was drinking in the riveting tales being spun through the black and white story of his manga.

He only had so much time before the rest of the team returned from their late night practices. It was getting hard to turn down their offers, but he had more pressing matters to attend to. The latest edition of his favourite manga came out right before training camp, and this was the only time he had to read if he wanted to preserve his dignity.

Hinata Shouyou bound into the room, Kageyama Tobio close on his heels. When they saw the suspicious looking mound under the sleeping bag on the other side of the room, they stopped in their tracks. Hinata looked at Kageyama, making the owo face. “Do not make the 3 face at me,” said Kageyama, but he knew what was about to transpire.

“Shit,” said the sleeping bag. Tsukishima was in trouble. If the team found out he read manga he’d never hear the end of it. There was no time to hide his book properly, so he did the only thing he could think of: He shoved it down his boxers.

“Ehhhh????” Hinata jumped behind Kageyama, quaking with fear. “Kageyama, why did that sleeping bag just swear at me??”

“Hinata, you idiot.” Kageyama frowned at him, even though he was also afraid of the talking sleeping bag. He wasn’t about to admit that to Hinata though, so he crept up to the mound, Hinata stuck to his back. For a moment, the two of them loomed over it. For Hinata’s sake, and for his own dignity, Kageyama _would_ conquer this obstacle. He had to. He yanked the covers off of the bulge, looking away, the sleeping bag flying into the air, the wind tossling the hair of the three flabbergasted boys. Hinata fell to the ground, his soul leaving his body.

From the doorway of the room came the sound of a camera shutter. The hands holding the phone were brought down to reveal the teary-eyed and elated expression of none other than their upperclassman: Nishinoya Yuu.

Tsukishima’s horrified expression will be forever engraved on the digital landscape of Noya’s smartphone, the thirty fourth volume of Boku No Hero Academia sticking out of his dinosaur-patterned boxers. Not only that, but Hinata’s and Kageyama’s expressions were just as priceless, if not better. Hinata was clinging onto Kageyama’s arm, shielding himself from Tsukishima, while Kageyama had finally mastered the art of the 3 face for the first time.

Noya’s cackle rang through the hallways. “This is—” he wheezed—“the greatest thing—” he started rolling around on the floor—“I have ever seen.”

Tsukishima saw Noya’s fingers, but he had to do something before it was too late. “Noya if you send that picture to the group chat I’m gonna—”

“It’s too late,” he said, pulling his Buddha face. “Nothing can save you now.”

The four of them heard it. The notifications dinging. Kuroo’s demonic laugh as he got closer to the room, Bokuto hooting right behind him. Texts flying in left and right on their shared volleyball Discord server.

**You Should Have Come to Shiratorizawa** # **general**

**Prettiest Setter | Oikawa  
****@iblockedyou** CAN I BORROW AFTER YOU FINISH

**Ushijima Wakatoshi | Captain of Shiratorizawa  
**I’m coming over  
also **@iblockedyou** change your username we have #rules ****

**Tendowo  
**No you’re not

**Ushijima Wakatoshi | Captain of Shiratorizawa  
**Try to stop me

**Tendowo  
**WHY ARE YOU OUTSIDE MY WINDOW

**Ushijima Wakatoshi | Captain of Shiratorizawa  
**You’re coming with me

**iblockedyou  
****@Ushijima Wakatoshi | Captain of Shiratorizawa** no  
I hate all of you

**ROLLINGTHUNDER  
**im crying apsdofjajoi pls come

**Ushijima Wakatoshi | Captain of Shiratorizawa  
**Halfway there  
[ushijima wakatoshi#1001 sent an image]  
**@kurooyaoyaoya** is that the tokyo tower

**kurooyaoyaoya  
**yes

Kuroo snickered at his phone, covering his mouth with his hand to stifle anything louder. He looked up with the intention to show Bokuto the absolutely iconic conversation transpiring, only to find Bokuto’s face buried in his own phone. Also, they were right on track to crashing into another body, and he could do absolutely nothing to stop it.

“Oh nooooo,” yelled Kuroo; he, Bokuto, and Yamaguchi Tadashi all colliding in the doorway like the absolute buffoons that they were. Bokuto’s screech caused tremors in the space-time continuum.

“Are you all okay?” asked Yamaguchi, his head throbbing painfully from where he hit it on Kuroo’s elbow as he fell. He needed to get to Tsukki-kun fast, or else he’d have to resort to _Plan B_.

“No…” wheezed a voice from under him, and to his horror he realized he landed right on top of Noya. Yamaguchi apologized profusely as he jumped up and offered Noya his hand. He took it, and stood, but almost immediately doubled over from laughing again.

“Tsukki I—” started Yamaguchi, because he _knew_ how humiliated and heartbroken Tsukki must feel. Alas, his comforting words went unheard, for he was oh so shamelessly interrupted.

“No way!!” said Hinata, springing up from where he previously lay dead on the floor, “Are those Dinosaur boxers???”

“Oh no…” Tsukishima muttered, a blush erupting across his cheeks.

“I can’t believe—” Noya laughed—“you thought hiding your—” he cackled—“manga in your boxers—” he wheezed, wiping a tear from his eye—“was a better option than just—HA! Not doing anything, AHAHAHA.”

Tears welled up in Tsukishima’s eyes. His dignity, everything he’s worked towards, now had no meaning. He met Yamaguchi’s eyes from across the room. He looked horrified, and heartbroken, and that _idiot_ was the only one not laughing at him. He felt so exposed, his deep secrets out in the open. He was isolated, vulnerable. This was the end.

Ushijima Wakatoshi climbed in through the window, and gave Tsukishima a solemn look. “I too have a dark secret.” He pat Tsukishima’s shoulders, and sat down next to him. “I like… basketball.”

“No—Ushi-chan—you don’t have to do this,” said Tendou, cartwheeling into the room.

“I do, Satori-kun. I’ve been holding it inside for too long.”

“I’ve—I’ve never told anyone this before, but I really really hate pork buns!!” said Yamaguchi.

Tears welled up in Tsukishima’s eyes.

“Tadashi, I thought we agreed to keep that a secret.” Tsukishima stared incredulously at him. Yamaguchi was doing this to protect him, so he wasn’t the only one with ruined dignity. Well, Ushijima did it first, but he wasn’t really sure what his intentions actually were.

“Oh, are we confessing things?” asked Yachi as she appeared in the doorway holding Kiyoko’s hand, “I still don’t know the names of the benched players.”

“Me neither,” said Kiyoko, smiling. This prompted both Nishinoya and Tanaka to suddenly come sprinting towards her, basking under the light of her face.

“But…” said Suga, who was sleeping in the room the whole time until now, “I’m benched…”

Yachi looked at him, squinting. She sucked in a breath. “Yeah… I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are.”

“At least I know you know who I am Kiyoko-san,” he said.

Of course Kiyoko knew who he was. “I have no idea who you are,” she said.

Suga started to tear up. “R-really?” He sobbed.

Daichi sat up next to him, bleary-eyed. “Suga. Hon. Please learn to take a joke.” He lay back down and started snoring.

“I’m joking.” She laughed. “Of course I know who you are Koushi.”

“Oh, thank goodness! Were you joking too Yachi-san?”

“Uh-hahaha—yes?” Yachi winced, grabbing on to Kiyoko's arm, earning a noise that somehow sounded like a dying crow from both Tanaka and Nishinoya.

Daichi's arm then grabbed Suga by the waist and pulled him down into his futon again, making Suga yelp as he disappeared under the covers once more. “...Should we…tell Daichi he did that tomorrow morning?” Ennoshita asked, suddenly materializing in front of the door like he always does in every scene he is in.

The entire room chorused “Absolutely”, “Definitely”, and “No” simultaneously. Even Ushijima and Tendou knew that wouldn't be a good idea. After all, if Daichi knew, he would proceed to murder everyone on the entire team, and that would prevent them from coming to Shiratorizawa now wouldn't it.

Kenma appeared at the door, his expression battling between curiosity and disinterest. His eyes dragged from Tsukishima’s pantless state, to the volleyball idiots, to Ushijima and Tendou for whatever reason, and finally to Kuroo. Kuroo opened his mouth. Kenma stared. Kuroo closed his mouth. Kenma walked away.

The next day, Oikawa Tohru made a long trek from the Miyagi prefecture to the Tokyo suburbs.

Exiting the bus, he noticed a large metal structure in the distance. His eyes lit up as he took out his phone and snapped a picture.

@ **Godzilla | AKA Iwaizumi**

**milkbread  
**[milkbread#1301 sent an image]  
I FOUND THE TOKYO TOWER

**Godzilla  
**that’s an electrical tower

Nearby, in the Fukurodani school, the morning sun peaking through the curtains, Kuroo Tetsuro jolted awake. “I feel like something really funny just happened.”

Kenma woke up next to him, and stared. “Go back to sleep, Kuroo.”

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you [Rita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/qutiepai) for the help :)
> 
> [ghostmaya's carrd](https://ghostmaya.carrd.co/)


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